I can't stand myself.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I've thought that since I was 13, or so. One minute i'm happy as can be and the next minute i'm a total  bitch bitching about every little thing. I can say thank you to that for destroying some relationships i've had in the past. I say things I don't mean, and do things I don't mean. I usually end up regretting it later. I can't apologize, I just can't. It's so hard for me to do. But if I do apologize then someone i've just bitched out, usually my husband, tells me that something is wrong with me and I need help.. UGH, it just sets me off! This usually happens right after i've calmed down, and once someone says that it puts me back into bitch mode. It's affecting my children too, what kind of mother lets that happen? One minute i'm playing with my kiddos, laughing, happy, and what not.. next minute I don't want to hear a peep out of them. I get so annoyed with them so easily. Especially my 2 year old. He can never make up his mind, but what 2 year old can't? I comphrend that, I just can't remind myself of that when he's pissing me off. I have very little paintence, too. This has affected my relationship with my husband.. pretty badly. He knows I need help, I know I need help and meds as well to fix whatever imbalance I have. I just can't admit it. I can't let him see he's right. That's what drives me up the wall. It's like i'm less of a human being to him it feels like cause I need to seek pyschaitric help, and he doesn't. I feel like he's won if i'm doing so. Everything wrong between us is not my fault. He's pretty stupid, really. Doesn't help that he made me mad before leaving for work and he left early because I pissed him off. Some days I think it will work out, some days I don't. One minute i'm madly in love with him, happy as can be.. next minute we're pissed off at one another and don't want to be within feet of each other. That's not how marriage works right? Well he swears once I get my medicine things will change. I keep telling him medicine for me won't fix his stupidity. Then we start fighting again.

Bleh, ugh. One other thing I don't get is I have urges to clean, then I go for a few weeks of "down time" I guess you would call it. I've had laundry laying around, folded of course but not put away. Steven bitches about it, blah blah blah. Fatass, why don't you do it? But I know I should. I wanted to stay home, do dishes, laundry, and what not. But damnit, I can't have him telling me what to do. I will put it away when I want. How bad is that? Really, I should have grew up during the feminist movement. Would have loved to take a shotgun to all the men who act like my husband.  Eh, too bad.

I never want to have sex, EVER! EVER! I could go years without it. I don't feel like it's worth the effort I put out for it. Then, it's wasting time for me because we always have sex while both kids are asleep or content. I could be doing something productive (yeah, probably wouldn't) during that time!

Some people are iditos and i'm pissed off at the world today.

Let's get started.

I have no idea what i'm doing on here. Bare with me. It's nice to have some place to write what I feel like, what I need to write, and to share it with others.